Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
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Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*