Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
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A man of commitment.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
🐕🍷
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.