Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

[First Date]

I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.

[Second Date]

*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*

I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

me: listen pal no one talks to me that way

guy with british accent:

POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.

never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.

I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.

Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?

Eve: Uh yeah, totally

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.

Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.

I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.

Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.

I don’t understand why I can’t find a girlfriend. I have a good job where I’m my own boss. I own a boat. I have lots of friends. I have a peg leg and an eye patch and a hook for a hand

The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.