Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
You Might Also Like
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*