Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
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According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
