Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
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A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*