Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.

My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone

Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time

[GOING BACK IN TIME]

Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?

Me [on the couch]: Well, it was a nice holiday break, but now it’s time to go back to work.

Me: [moves to other end of couch and opens laptop]

My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”

“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”

Show yourself some self-love.

No. Not in public.

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”

[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

Why are hurricanes named only after girls?

Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

god: i’m gonna make you murdery

cat: sweet

god: but small

cat: what

god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?

I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.