Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat

Schrödinger: Or do I?

My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.

The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking

HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.

[chair elevated to highest position]

Me: That’s just ridiculous.

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*

Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat

Single men not in love with me.

Explain yourselves.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.

I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.

Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …

[middle of a heated argument]

Him: I’m leaving you

Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*

Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*

writer: it’s based on a book

movie producer: ok

writer: about a boy who lived

producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave

writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat

producer: wait

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?

Me: come on man it‘s the weekend

My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume

just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me