Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”

WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!

Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth

“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.

“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—

I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.

I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking

911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!

a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition

A huge thanks to the person that did this

Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.

Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.

Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils

Me: *pours*

Wife: And now lye

Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets

Wife: What

Me: What

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.

Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito

“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.

Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married

Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?

I know you do. That’s why I do it.

Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.