me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
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If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes