Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
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ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
