Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
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I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT