Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read anything.

You didn’t make the team.

*me as your life coach

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

I sexually identify as an avocado.

Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.

Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.

account balance: $1400

me at wendy’s: show me the square cows

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.

Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.

Me: I need an extension.

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.

interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?

me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest

BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace

-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest

*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*

Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box

I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

When did white people become such fucking pussies?

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos

I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when

WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.

By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.

If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑