Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
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I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
But I really needed water water water
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
where the womens at?