Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
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When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
extrovert: *answers unknown number*
introvert: *googles the unknown number after sending it to voicemail*
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
do u think theres a butter planet?
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
emergency phone
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower