Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”

8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?

Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.

*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?

Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?

Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.

Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.

Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]

Neo:

Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which

I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!

Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?

Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.

Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”

you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet

Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.

😂😂

Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!

Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!

Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]

Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.

Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL

8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.

“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”

Drunks and 1 year olds.

Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?

5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?

Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?