Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[BOOPS nose]

COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born

Her: is the game almost over?

Me: this is just the first half

Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?

Me: you’re pretty

I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.

One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!

“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”

I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”

DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.

Me: I am mad.

DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.

Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.

Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.

Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.

Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.

Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway

“Not that one” I whisper moments too late

Me: It’s going to be a great day!

Life: Yeah, about that…

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.

They did it with a straight face too.

Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.

Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.