Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
You Might Also Like
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
this is the most humiliating day of my life
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good