me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
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At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Investing in beetcoin
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Cause of death: Zumba
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…