me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
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NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what