Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?

ME: *trying to highlight text*

WORD: and the last letter of previous word?

ME: no, why? just follow my cursor

WORD: ok so just half this word?

ME: the whole word

WORD: k

ME: wtf

WORD: oops

ME: the word is gone

WORD: the word is gone

[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.

There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.

due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches

8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?

Me: Yeah, usually.

8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.

A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.

No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?

Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht

I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

Genius idea!!

[skydiving]

cute instructor: open your chute!

me: lol make me

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—

40: wtf just happened

I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain

*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*

“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”

After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.

My therapist after every session

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again