Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.

[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?

When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.

Be vigilant

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”

-Sharks in Malaysia

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions

The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.

Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*

Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

[in the car]

4yo: Can my window go down?

Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?

4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?

Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia

[music store]

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: sir, that’s a mandolin

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!

Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.