@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride

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@CakeThrottle

Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.

@Reverend_Scott

Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.

@UncleDuke1969

Yelp* now has jail reviews. (true)

Felon87: Try for Block C. Great ambient lighting, management is courteous & the risotto is ‘to die for’.

@bornmiserable

when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral

@AngryRaccoon2

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

@DatManGood

My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”

@MisAnthroPony

Imagine if Jack Black actually did take Chris Pratt’s place in beating up Thanos.

@Sarcasticsapien

Coworker: If you had to do it all over again, would you?

Me: Yeah.

Cw: You would? Why?

Me: Because I know what the words “had to” means.

@davidleecourt

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.

@LittleMissLizz

I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.