Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
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Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Yelp* now has jail reviews. (true)
Felon87: Try for Block C. Great ambient lighting, management is courteous & the risotto is ‘to die for’.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Imagine if Jack Black actually did take Chris Pratt’s place in beating up Thanos.
Coworker: If you had to do it all over again, would you?
Cw: You would? Why?
Me: Because I know what the words “had to” means.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.