ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
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Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.