ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
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[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime