Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

Her: What are you thinking about right now?

Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket

Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.

Told her to just roll them a little tighter.

We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.

A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.

ME: where’s your brother?

OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?

ME: *sprints to the basement*

JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

She loves me

[forgets to run the dishwasher]

She loves me not

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”

[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics

The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.

What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.

A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???

My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…

Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”