Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
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Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.