Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.

And that’s what happened your honour.

I went from rags to one rag.

cashier: would you like a receipt?

me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)

cashier: well?

me: I want to talk to a lawyer

Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up

Me: oh honey…you have no idea

“It was a different time.”

“It was this morning.”

“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets

When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since

remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

*On a 1st date*

Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉

Them: We’re having a picnic

Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.

Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.

Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.

At least he brought enough for everyone

Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon

If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.

I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.

…No, YOU shut up.

My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?

Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*

Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”

McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.

We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.

Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.