Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water

I believe I can flyyy.

I believe I can touch the skyyy.

I believe I was mistaaaken.

I believe I’m faaalling.

I believe I’m gonna diiiie.

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”

Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!

My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!

The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.

Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN

ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

*walking down street with friend*

Well, this is me.

*jumps in front of bus*

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

cause of death:
autopsy.

Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!

Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*

The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.

*takes 87 selfies*

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

Doctor: Describe your usual day

Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat

Doctor: Okay I see the problem

Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or

I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.

ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.

attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.