Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
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Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??