Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
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I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.