Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
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Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone