Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
You Might Also Like
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
it must be school picture day
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
My wife gives the best headache.