Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…

Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥

like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down

Me: How is your chicken?

Mario: It needsa salt.

Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*

Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow

If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.

Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

Student: “May I go to the toilet?”

Teacher: “What for?”

Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.

[First Date]

I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.

[Second Date]

*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

“I’m Bond. James Bond”.

Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.

I’m Evil. Ken Evil.

[speeds cycle up ramp]

[jumps 8 cars & a bus]

[Toddler 911]

911: what’s your emergency?

Son: it’s naptime.

911: have you tried stalling?

Son: I asked for water.

911: and your favorite stuffed animal?

Son: yep.

911: that toy you shoved under the couch?

Son: they don’t know where that’s at.

911: perfect. ask for that.

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.