Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
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Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
“What?”
– Jude
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly