Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
You Might Also Like
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.