Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?

When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.

Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.

I’ve just had to let my trousers out.

They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.

Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.

Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year

Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.

Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this

A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”

[scrolling hinge while high] am I really to determine the future love of my life by whether or not they put pineapple on pizza

[scrolling hinge while drunk] I see you also like hanging out. do u wanna get matching tattoos

genie: please no
millipede: more legs

Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.

Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro

Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*

Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?

Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR

Me: I’ll never get married again!

Husband:

Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months

me: i thought i got three wishes right now

genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year