@Cycloptomese

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

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@jwoodham

If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”

@Lhlodder

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

@msdanifernandez

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.

@CodyJP9412

Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.

@ericONEderful

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

@arcadeseals

[invention of burgers]

visionary: what if we grated a cow?

assistant: and molded it into wheels? sir that’s genius

@hellohappy_time

3rd base is actually watching a horror movie then looking up theories about the ending on message boards together

@KalvinMacleod

GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields