Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
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If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
[invention of burgers]
visionary: what if we grated a cow?
assistant: and molded it into wheels? sir that’s genius
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
3rd base is actually watching a horror movie then looking up theories about the ending on message boards together
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way