Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
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[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same