Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

[after sex]

Her: *lights up smoke*

Me: *unwraps toothpick*

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year

This meeting could have been a pajama party.

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse

When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.

Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like

Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.

Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist

Florida be like…

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!

Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.

You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)

We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.