Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
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Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
uh oh
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors