Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.

I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.

Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance

[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.

[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!

My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.

Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up

Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday

Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

waiter: what’ll it be?

me: I’ll have chameleon

waiter: that’s not on the menu

me: how can you be sure?

Urine for a real treat today.

-Toilets

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy

Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.

My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me

I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.

[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!!

[Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!

Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.

I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.

My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.

As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times

WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.

Kid: Everything poops?

Me: Kinda

K: Trees don’t poop

M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen

K: So we’re breathing tree poop?

M:

K:

M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?

I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂