Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?

him: no

me: they were a-salt-ed

him:

me: a-SALT-

him: leave

What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?

reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards

That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.

Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..

4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!

Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.

How actors in movies eat their food

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies

Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?

*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.

Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

Her: What are you reading?

Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”

Her: What’s that about?

Me: (Pause) Church architecture.

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.

Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body

My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?

Me: of course sweetie

3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?

Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!

3: what was your favourite part?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?

3: mine too yay!

Me: yay!