Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

Me: what’s this fee?

Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.

Me: ok

Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that

Me: do you know how money works?

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?

Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…

Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head

Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation

“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.

At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing

These are dark times.

~me, everyday at 4pm

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.

Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.

i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984

When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.

“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls

Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets

ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.

Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!

Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️

Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?

Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy

My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.