Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.

I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them

If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.

How I know this is unimportant.

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.

To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

Man: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: And, for your side?

M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it

I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant

“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.

BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”

Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope

Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”

*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”