Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?

Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

Her: So, what is your major?

Him: I study forensics.

Her: Dude, that’s just 10!

road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.

so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛

goldiesglobe

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY

Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?

watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy

A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby

According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about

Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.

i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways