Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
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I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
You’d be amazed at the number of people that like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain who also have a suspended drivers license.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered