Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
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Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back