Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
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I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat