Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.

If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

Gross, who put proof in this pudding?

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.

Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word

Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆

My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.

Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here

adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert

I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me

My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table

Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.

On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

Maine is beautiful and calm.

Stephen King: Hold my balloon.

Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.