Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.

My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you

Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything

Me: *making tea*

Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!

The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”

Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog

Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.

The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay

Mantra at the gym:

When the zombies come, cardio will matter.

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit

I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…

It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁

If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:

If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference

No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.

When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.

It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.

“He fell”

Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

Good morning.

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.

[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*