Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers

Burger King ~ you want cheese on that

Me ~ yes please

Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?

Because you can’t C in the dark.

HR: We need to see you for a moment

Me: Is this about the nail clipping?

He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails

Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?

My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.

“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”

When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…

This is just a bottomless Pitt

(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job

Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?

Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week

Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.