Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
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I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *