ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
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You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL