ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
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It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.