Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog

[at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack

I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?

Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized

The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:

1) oh my god for me?!

2) this is the best day ever

3) this house is full of thieves trust no one

I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.

chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

*puts nose where it doesn’t belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home

Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?

Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter

I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.

My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

[typing]

Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

Spring is here!

I got so excited I wet my plants!

“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.