Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji

Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business

I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.

People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.

Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.

I’m making him my new nutritionist.

Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.

[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic

When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was

A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?

(Vegan zombie)

“Mmmm ….. grains”

ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones

CORONER: no

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic

The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime

[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.

Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.

A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.

My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant