Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

[frog-condom sales meeting]

frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?

frog 2: rib it

frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius

Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.

My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.

Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study

Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!

Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

Fly wife: Notice anything?

Fly husband: …

Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut

[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*

Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?

Pac-Man: *deep breath*

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review

My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

[goes to walmart]

[later]

Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?

Me: Even better than that…

[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]

this is one of the best threads in twitter history

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

What even happened today?

every olympics i turn into this guy

I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.

2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]

*getting murdered*

Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert

Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: umbrella

Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit

Me: Are you sure about that?

*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*

Cop: Have a nice day, sir.

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.