Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I misspelled ‘I’m unstoppable’ and my phone autocorrected to ‘I’m unstable’ and honestly, that’s fair.

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅

FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?

ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it

Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.

He was a Norman Cook.

Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

[inserting row in excel]

Excel: copy font format from the row above?

Me: no I’ll handle it

Excel: and copy border from below?

Me: no why?

Excel: idk :/

Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?

Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂

Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.

RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.

Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato

*finds all 7 dragonballs

*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”

Hippocrates did very well for himself,

considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.

If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?

Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

Meowchelangelo

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]

All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.

How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.

Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.

I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits

If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five