ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
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So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?