Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
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“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it