Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆

Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN

I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.

Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him

Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.

My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog

#gardening

wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.

Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…

Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like

Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.

Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.

-I almost said Denver 🤦‍♀️

Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.

I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement

excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries

me, interrupting a couple fighting

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”

The internet is undefeated.. 😂