Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
You Might Also Like
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Good Morning.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
man: wait
time: no
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.