Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones

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“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct


Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.


I played dead in the living room to see how my 2yo would respond.

He climbed on my “corpse” for 5 minutes then turned on the tv.


My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.


cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here


*lays in bed for 12 hours

I guess I’ll get up now

*walks over to couch & lays down


Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.


You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.