Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
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Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
The little toadstool has spoken.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime