Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing

Her: I’m really into eating clean.

Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.

It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall

EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him

If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!

Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.

You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?

“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.

I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM

My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot

Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.

I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.

1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos