Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

God: you’re a decapod.

Crab: what does that mean?

God: it means you have 10 legs.

Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.

God: at least you don’t have a hundred.

Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?

Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift

Church Pugh’s

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me

[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.

ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons

Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated

Me: You wrote a play?

Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.

Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.

UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please

NEIGHBOR: What’s up?

ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month

NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?

ME: The what now?

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”

Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?

Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.

Husband: It said REDRUM.

Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Me: Okay. When will that be?

Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.

If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.

me: let’s change your diaper

2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!

Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.

My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”

COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP

OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles

COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP

OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude

COP: Just go. I give up.

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

Halloween costumes

Age 10: monster

Age 25: sexy fireman

Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups