me hooking up with my ex
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Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
How tf did it end up there?
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
twitter is a journey
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.