me hooking up with my ex
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Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES