me hooking up with my ex
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waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.