Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
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[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”