Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

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BOB THE BEER DROPPER: I make the worst decisions
ME: hold my beer


My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.


FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.


[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.


“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”


I sleep with a knife under my bed in case I can’t open my midnight snacks.

It also comes in handy if people try to steal them.


Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.


*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*


*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*


Help my knee is made of magnets