@ThugRaccoons

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

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@bitchofficially

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

@bea_ker

[guy bursts into crowded real estate agents]

OK NOBODY MOVE

*from back office*

Aw c’mon man – really? It’s tough enough in this economy.

@jimmy_sharpe

[lights focus on guy in interrogation room]

“Say it. SAY IT.”

*points at sign saying “Worcestershire Sauce”*

@Underchilde

Dear Abby,

I saw a questionable mole on this girl I like. How do I tell her without letting her know I hid a camera in her shower?

@KentWGraham

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

@wittwitbarista

I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”

@Parentpains

Good thing some people show their bare chest in their profile pic, otherwise we wouldn’t have known they had a torso.

@goldengateblond

Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.

@jjax44

It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.