@ThugRaccoons

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

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@DanMentos

BOB THE BEER DROPPER: I make the worst decisions
ME: hold my beer

@mela_shea

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

@ehdannyboy

FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.

@English_Channel

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

@living_marble

“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”

@Dirty_Naomi

I sleep with a knife under my bed in case I can’t open my midnight snacks.

It also comes in handy if people try to steal them.

@brianbowman73

Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.

@EndhooS

*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*

Sara?

*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*

“Yes?”

Help my knee is made of magnets