Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

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I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers


[guy bursts into crowded real estate agents]


*from back office*

Aw c’mon man – really? It’s tough enough in this economy.


[lights focus on guy in interrogation room]

“Say it. SAY IT.”

*points at sign saying “Worcestershire Sauce”*


Dear Abby,

I saw a questionable mole on this girl I like. How do I tell her without letting her know I hid a camera in her shower?


Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.


I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”


Good thing some people show their bare chest in their profile pic, otherwise we wouldn’t have known they had a torso.


Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.


It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.