Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
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i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Wednesday
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.