Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
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Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real