Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: nice!

God: the humans are gonna love you.

Dog: why?

God: well you have a lot in common.

Dog: really? do they have updog too?

God: what’s updog?

Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.

God: yep you’re just like them.

Dog: [tail wag].

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses

Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.

And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking

WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats

ME: *barely audible* orca-strated

HER: Get out!

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button

ADVISOR: why

ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it

I was working in the yard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.

I hit it with a shovel.

I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead

“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”

if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away

me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!

Mississippi: *crying*

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*

To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.

A family that plays together cheats.

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead

still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.

I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.

Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV