Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman

Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore

Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…

Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.

Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.

-my cat.

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active

Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*

How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?

listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”

At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.

Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

(my very first day as President)

Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh

Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.

I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first

“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”

Me: Oh problem, definitely

“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”

Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

(credit Morgz, account missing)

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.