Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”

*Eats rice with chop sticks*

“Holy shit! When can you start?!”

Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.

We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.

[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]

IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER

11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?

me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”

Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!

Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good

Grew big

If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents

This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me

Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.

Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.