Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
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My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man
Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them
But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.