Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.

ME: [staring off into distance]

HER: what’s wrong?

M: nothing

H: talk to me

M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming

When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.

How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.

Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.

if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected

At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.

Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.

Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?

Take away its tiny brooms 🧹

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.