Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
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OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
work smarter, not harder
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport